


Bittersweet

by Cathy Roberts (Huntersglenn)



Category: The Young Riders
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-18
Updated: 2013-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-12 04:55:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/807504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntersglenn/pseuds/Cathy%20Roberts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lou is dead and friends are gathering for her funeral, including Jimmy.  And seeing Kid brings back strong memories for Jimmy, memories that both men so desperately need now that Lou is gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Date originally published: July 5, 2000
> 
> Disclaimer: "The Young Riders" is the creation of Ed Spielman,  
> and the popery of Ogiens/Kane productions in association with  
> MGM/UA television. For entertainment purposes only, no infringement  
> intended.

Jimmy brought his horse to a stop as he saw the house. There were a few horses tied out front and a good-looking group of horses in the corral. His gaze traveled from the house to the bunkhouse, then to the barn. The place didn't look all that different from when he had last seen it. It had been a long time since the days he and the others had lived here as Pony Express riders. A very long time in which so much had happened. Ike dying, then Noah. Kid and Lou getting married and now Lou awaiting...Jimmy shook his head, not wanting to think about that. Not yet at least. He spurred his horse forward and headed to the house.

As he dismounted, the front door opened and Jimmy heard himself being greeted by a familiar voice.

"Jimmy, thank God you're here." Buck stopped at the edge of the porch, his lean face pinched with pain and fatigue.

"I came as soon as I got the message." Jimmy slowly ascended the steps. "Am I in time?"

"Yeah. The funeral's tomorrow. But, we have a problem."

"Kid." Jimmy knew that his old friend would be in the depths of despair with not only the death of Lou to deal with, but their newborn daughter as well. Jimmy had felt devastated when he opened the wire to read that Lou had died in childbirth along with her baby. Reading that one of his closest and dearest friends was dead had made Jimmy regret that he had never taken the time to return to Sweetwater to see the success that Kid, Lou and Buck had made of the place. Deep down he had been glad that Kid had changed his mind about returning to Virginia. He and Lou would be safe in Sweetwater, he had reasoned. He had then convinced himself that he stayed away so the happy couple could form a new life together, one free of old feelings. He couldn't deny that he and Lou had been attracted to each other. Hell, he wouldn't deny it. He had Kid had fought over it so many times.

No, the feelings he wanted to deny were those he had for Kid. Feelings that ran far deeper than those of friendship. Jimmy could still remember the early days of the Express, when they still thought Lou was a boy. Jimmy had watched Kid and Lou, feeling upset that there was something going on between them. Something that wasn't supposed to go on between two boys. It took a bit for Jimmy to understand that what he felt was jealousy, and not of Lou, either. It was Kid that he wanted. He didn't want Lou until he found out he was a she.

"Jimmy, he's in bad shape. He wouldn't let anyone touch Lou or the baby and we finally had to drag him away. He went crazy then, there ain't no other way to describe it, Jimmy. Just plain crazy with grief."

"Where is he?"

"Upstairs in their room. He won't leave the chair. Won't eat. Won't sleep. He just sits there, looking at nothing, not even talking. Rachel and I have made all the funeral arrangements."

"When's the funeral?"

"Tomorrow. Everyone is scheduled to get here today -- of those who can make it. Teaspoon and Cody couldn't be tracked down. That left Amanda, Emma, Sam and you." Buck didn't want to go into how it had broken Lou's heart when her little brother Jeremiah had run away a month after Lou and Kid had brought him and Teresa to Sweetwater. No one had heard from the boy and right now Buck didn't care if Jeremiah ever found out about Lou. It was wrong for him to leave without ever writing. Not that Jimmy was much better, he thought. Not a word from him these past few years.

"Cody's busy scouting for the army. I guess that Teaspoon is somewhere in the midst of the fighting." Teaspoon had left to fight for the Confederacy. Last they had heard, according to the last letter Jimmy had gotten from Lou, Teaspoon was still alive, but that had been months ago. There was no telling if he was still that way or long buried on some forgotten battlefield.

"I've still got to dig the grave. Kid doesn't want her buried in town, he wants her buried out here."

"I'll help you with that. When were you going to do it?"

"Later in the afternoon, when it's not so hot."

Jimmy nodded, then pulled off his gloves, sighing. He did not want to go upstairs to see Kid. He did not want to acknowledge his own grief. But, he had to do both things. "I guess I better go talk some sense into him."

"Good luck."

"Thanks. Something tells me I'm gonna need it." Jimmy stepped into the coolness of the house, putting his hat and gloves on a side table. He barely took in the way the room was decorated as he made his way up the stairs and to the main bedroom. The door was ajar and Jimmy knocked softly, but there was no response. He pushed the door open and saw Kid sitting there just as Buck had described. He looked bad and Jimmy's heart lurched in his chest. If he didn't get Kid to eat something then the man would waste away until he was as dead as his family. There was no way Jimmy was going to let that happen.

Yet something held him back as he stood on the threshold of the room. A memory tugged at the back of his mind, taking him back to a time when Kid had been heartbroken over the fact that Lou had rejected him. Not that anyone could tell by the way Kid had been acting. He had taken up with the new schoolteacher and that had broken Lou's heart. Jimmy had tried to cheer her, with near disastrous results. At the time he was angry with Kid for hurting Lou, but Kid's flirtation with Samantha had been short lived. After that, he merely existed from day to day, keeping his feelings inside. Jimmy knew all of that, yet he still felt angry with him for hurting Lou. Or had he been angry that Kid's actions had hurt him as well? 

One day Teaspoon sent Jimmy and Kid on an overnight run, knowing the two were not on good terms with each other. There had been too many angry words and punches about Lou for them to be easy with the idea of spending time together. The first hours of riding had been spent in agonizing silence, and it had been Jimmy who had been the one to break the silence, asking Kid if he thought they were making good time to Fort Lyons. As soon as the question left his lips, Jimmy had mentally kicked himself for asking something so stupid. Still, it made Kid laugh and that alone was worth it for Jimmy. After that they fell into a comfortable conversation, avoiding the hot topics that were sure to bring them to blows. Namely Lou and Samantha. Jimmy knew that Kid was jealous of him and how he felt about Lou. He found himself wondering what Kid would say or do if he knew that Jimmy wanted Kid and Lou to be together so he would have to force himself to stop thinking about being with Kid. Jimmy had been with other men before and had enjoyed himself just as much as he had enjoyed it when he had been with a woman. He knew it was wrong to think about his friend in terms of a lover, but Jimmy couldn't keep his mind under control whenever he was near Kid. It was his own disgust with his wayward thoughts that made Jimmy goad Kid into fighting. Those brief moments when their bodies were touching were the closest Jimmy would ever get to his dream of rolling around on a bed with Kid. 

It soon became obvious that they weren't going to get to the Fort that evening. For one thing, it had been well past noon when Teaspoon sent them off. Perhaps he had done that on purpose so they would have to spend a lot of time together. He didn't like it when fights broke out amongst his "boys". Jimmy and Kid made camp near a stream and busied themselves with getting something to eat. 

Kid had gone to the nearby creek to get water for coffee and was momentarily out of Jimmy's sight. Because of that, Jimmy jumped to his feet, gun drawn and ready, when he heard Kid yell. When Jimmy reached the creek, he started laughing, even though it was obvious that Kid didn't share his good humor about the situation. Kid had slipped in the mud and was now covered from head to toe with the stuff.

"I'm all right, Jimmy. Thanks for asking," Kid snapped.

"Sorry. Are you sure you're all right? Nothing broken?"

"Just my pride." Kid carefully got to his feet, an expression of disgust on his face as he looked down at his dirty clothes.

"Good thing you're already at the creek. Why don't you get on in and wash your clothes? They should be dry by morning," Jimmy said. What he really wanted to do was join Kid in the creek, maybe even wash his body for him; then lead him back to their campfire where he could slowly lower him to the ground. Jimmy shifted uncomfortably as the bulge in his pants told him that he had better quit thinking along those lines.

"Good idea." Kid walked over to a fallen log and sat down. He was soon stripped to his longjohns and was beginning to remove those when Jimmy decided that he should go back to camp to check on the horses.

"Can you bring my blanket back with you? I'll need something to wear once I get out of the water," Kid said.

"Sure. I'll be right back." Jimmy hurried back to camp, cussing at himself under his breath as he willed his erection to subside. How could he take a blanket to Kid? To a naked Kid? There was no way that Kid wouldn't see his cock straining to get out of his pants and he sure as Hell knew there weren't no women around here for Jimmy to be lusting after. Maybe Jimmy could tell him that he was just thinking of Lou? That would make Kid get mad over that and he wouldn't begin to think that Jimmy had been excited by the idea of seeing him naked. Jimmy nodded as he grabbed Kid's blanket. If he had to, then he would lie to Kid...again. 

Determined to keep his body under control, Jimmy headed back to the creek. Once there, his determination wavered as he saw that Kid was out of the water and hanging his clothes on the branches of a sturdy tree. Totally naked. Jimmy cleared his throat as he approached his friend, letting him know he had company. Kid turned to look at him; his face turning rosy as his hands lowered to cover himself. That was Kid all right, Jimmy thought, always shy. Feeling very glad he had the blanket in front of his body, Jimmy held it out to Kid. 

"You must be cold," he said.

"Yeah. Thanks, Jimmy." Kid quickly wrapped the blanket around his body, then returned to the task of spreading out his clothing.

"Wouldn't it make more sense to hang them near the fire? They'd get drier faster that way."

"I didn't think of that." Kid began to gather his clothes. "Would you mind getting my boots? I've got my hands full."

"Not a problem," Jimmy said. He picked up the boots and followed Kid back to their campsite. He dropped the boots by Katie's saddle and was about to sit down when he noticed that Kid was having a problem. Whenever he tried to hang his clothing over the branches of the tree closest to the fire, the blanket would slip. Jimmy chewed on his lower lip as he watched. He could be nice and offer to take care of the clothes for Kid. If he did that, then Kid could stay warm in the blanket. Warm and naked. Yet, if Jimmy sat down and watched, there was a good chance the blanket would slip and he could once more see Kid's body. Jimmy's own body was telling him that was the right choice to make. For Jimmy, it felt as if hours passed as his mind battled with his cock about the issue. Finally his mind won.

"Here, let me get that," Jimmy said. He stepped beside Kid and took the clothes from him.

"Thanks." Kid intended to take a step backward, but he tripped on the blanket and began to fall. 

Jimmy heard Kid's quick intake of breath and he spun around in time to see that Kid was falling, his arms reaching out to break his fall, the blanket falling to the ground. Jimmy reached out to grab Kid and found himself being pulled down to the ground with his friend.

The two lay there still for a few moments as the air had been knocked out of them. Then Kid grinned up at Jimmy.

"Damn, Jimmy. We've got to quit rolling around on the ground like this or people will start to get the wrong idea."

"Let them," Jimmy growled as his cock took over from his brain. He reached up and held Kid's head steady with his hands as his mouth claimed Kid's. Jimmy had no idea what would happen when the kiss ended, but he didn't care. All he cared about was how right it felt to be lying on top of Kid at that moment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date originally published: July 5, 2000

Not sure about how Kid would react to the kiss, Jimmy concentrated on putting as much feeling into the kiss as he could. He was so caught up in that endeavor that it took him a while to notice the Kid wasn't trying to push him away. Instead, Jimmy was aware that Kid's arms were now wrapped around his body, holding him in place. There was a slight movement of Kid's legs and Jimmy found himself nestled between them. A tremor of desire swept through Jimmy as he discovered Kid's obvious arousal. The man who could face killers at thirty feet without giving it another thought found himself having to gather his courage before opening his eyes to look at his friend. When he did, he was greeted by an amused smile, and a pair of blue eyes darkened with desire.

"I've been wanting' to do that for a long time. Ever since that day I challenged you," Jimmy said.

"Really? That long?" Kid looked confused. "I thought you were in love with Lou."

"If I was to pick a woman to marry, I would pick Lou. She's a fine woman, Kid, there's no doubtin' that. But I've wanted you longer and harder than I've ever wanted her," Jimmy said.

"I noticed the harder part." Kid grinned as he slid his hand between their bodies to caress Jimmy through his pants.

Jimmy closed his eyes as a moan escaped his lips. This was like a dream come true and he idly wondered if maybe he was dreaming all of this? Could it really be possible that Kid felt the same way about him? Jimmy's mind was racing as he struggled to come to terms with the contrast of the virginal Kid who had never been with a woman before Lou and the Kid who was under him right now, toying with him as if he knew exactly what he was doing. No, Jimmy corrected himself, not "as if" he knew. Kid knew it all right. He already had Jimmy's pants undone and was now making skin to skin contact with him. Kid had been with a man before. Maybe more than once and maybe more than one man. Jimmy felt a pang of jealousy at that thought, even though he knew he had no right to be jealous. Kid wasn't the first for him, so why was he expecting to be the first for Kid?

Kid's voice brought his attention back to the task at hand. "This would be easier if you were undressed." Kid grinned up at him.

The huskiness of Kid's voice inflamed Jimmy's desire and he pushed himself to his knees. Jimmy's hands idly caressed Kid's hips as he gazed down at his friend, admiring the view from that angle. Keeping up the gentle caressing of Kid's left hip, Jimmy reached out with his right hand and grasped Kid's cock. He gently pumped it a time or two, then moved his hand higher until he could easily pull back the foreskin, exposing the glistening and sensitive head. Jimmy lightly brushed the tip with his left thumb, smiling as he heard Kid moan from the touch. His touch. 

Knowing that he had to feel Kid's skin against his own, Jimmy stood and began to undress. His original intent was to put on a slow show for Kid, delaying the inevitable and driving him crazy with want. That plan lasted until Jimmy found that he couldn't easily get off his boots and socks without sitting down, something he was determined to avoid. He liked having Kid look up at him with blatant desire. He liked looking down at Kid's naked body even more. So, Jimmy balanced himself as best he could and removed those items without falling over. Kid's suppressed laughter let Jimmy know that he was losing control of the situation, so he hurriedly got out of his pants and long underwear, tossing them on the pile of clothing behind him.

When Jimmy turned back around, he saw that Kid had gotten to his knees in front of him, his eyes focused on Jimmy's half gone erection. As Kid's hands began to caress his cock and balls, Jimmy closed his eyes and sighed. He let his hands rest on Kid's head as he enjoyed the gentle explorations and teasing. But his light touch soon turned to a passionate grip in Kid's hair as he felt his cock slowly engulfed in the warmth of Kid's mouth. Jimmy whimpered as Kid worked him over with his lips and tongue, his enthusiasm for Jimmy evident with every move he made. Jimmy could feel his desire grow and he knew he was about to come. He opened his mouth to warn Kid, but it wasn't a word that left his lips but a cry of desire. A cry that quickly became a cry of denial as cool air suddenly assailed Jimmy's cock. Feeling stubborn, Jimmy pulled Kid's head back toward his body, rocking his own hips forward to reestablish contact with that wonderful mouth. And Kid gave in to that demand, slowly working his magic until Jimmy was once more on the brink of release before totally pulling away. Even as Jimmy tried to pull Kid back to him, he felt Kid slip out of his grasp.

Jimmy took tried to take deep, even breaths before he opened his eyes. He still couldn't shake the feeling that Kid was more experienced with this, and what he had just experienced was doing a lot to reinforce that feeling. When Jimmy did open his eyes he saw that Kid was back on the blanket, this time on his stomach. Jimmy didn't trust himself to speak as he saw that Kid's knees were pulled up under his body, offering that body to him. It was one offer from Kid that Jimmy couldn't resist. He fell to his knees behind Kid, then bent over him to kiss the back of his neck.

"Are you sure?" Jimmy whispered in Kid's ear.

Kid nodded. "I want you in me, Jimmy. I've wanted that for a long time, too."

"There's nothing around here to make it easier."

"Spit works."

"I know it works, Kid. I just wanted our first time to be easier."

"You can make it up next time, okay? Just do it."

Jimmy grinned at the thought of a next time for them. He stuck a finger in his mouth, then quickly found Kid's opening, gently working his way inside. Kid was tight and warm and old memories flooded back, reminding Jimmy of why he sometimes sought out other men for sex. A woman couldn't match this tightness or velvet softness inside. Jimmy thought about maybe adding another finger to loosen Kid for loving, but the way Kid was bucking back on his one finger told him that Kid was more than ready for the next step.

Jimmy slowly withdrew his finger, reveling in Kid's moans of pleasure as he did so. Then he worked up a good mouthful of saliva and spit into his hands, wetting his stiff cock. He had barely begun to enter Kid when Kid pushed back, impaling himself firmly on Jimmy's cock. The sensations took Jimmy's breath away and he almost came right then. He had to hold Kid's hips in place to keep him from moving again or else he would lose it then and there. When he finally had his body back under control, Jimmy pushed in the rest of the way, completely burying himself in Kid. Jimmy paused again, savoring the sensation of their bodies being joined as one. 

As Jimmy began to thrust in and out of Kid, he lost all track of time. It could have been a few minutes or an hour until he came, he really had no idea. All he knew was how right it felt to be inside of Kid, how wonderful it felt there and how it made him feel proud that Kid was eagerly participating, meeting him thrust for thrust, his moans and exhortations striking a chord deep within Jimmy's heart and soul. When Jimmy came, it was with a violent thrust, and he felt himself emptying his seed deep in Kid. He collapsed against Kid's back, only dimly aware that Kid had a hand on his own cock and was stroking himself to release. Jimmy felt a little guilty about that, but he was too spent to do anything for Kid. Finally, Jimmy was able to get to his feet, and he extended his hand to Kid, helping him to his feet as well. They returned to the stream and washed quickly, then returned to their campfire. Dinner was forgotten as they settled into Jimmy's blankets and fell asleep. Jimmy knew they were taking a risk by sleeping naked in the woods. They were easy prey for man and beast, but the feeling of having a naked Kid next to him made Jimmy forget about being careful for once. If he died that night, then he would die a happy man.

*************************************

Jimmy mentally shook his head. This was not the time to be remembering the first time he and Kid had been together. Jimmy wasn't here to seduce his friend into bed. He was here to help him bury his wife.

Jimmy lightly knocked on the doorframe, then stepped into the room. Kid never turned to look at him, but he knew that it was Jimmy who had entered.

"I killed her, Jimmy. It was having my baby that killed her."

"You can't be thinkin' like that, Kid. It ain't doing you any good. Lou loved you and she wanted to have your baby. There ain't no blame there."

Kid turned his head to look at Jimmy, his eyes red from lack of sleep. "The baby came early. The doctor said that Lou was too small to be havin' babies and the baby was too big for her. Not big enough to live, but big enough to kill Lou. And that's my fault. I ain't a small man, Jimmy."

"You might as well say that it's Lou's fault for bein' small."

Kid's eyes flashed angrily. "Don't ever say that. It wasn't her fault."

Jimmy knelt in front of Kid, placing his hands firmly on Kid's knees. "It weren't nobody's fault, Kid. It just happened. I ain't the most religious of men, but I know enough to be able to say that God takes those he wants. We can't control the how and the when of it."

Kid's lower lip began to tremble and his eyes were filling with tears. "I can't live without her, Jimmy. I just can't."

"I know." Jimmy pulled Kid to his chest and held him as he began to cry. Kid's sobs were heartbreaking to hear and they attracted Buck's attention. Jimmy nodded to Buck as the other man came to a stop in the doorway. Both of them knew that Kid needed to get his grief out now.

Buck came on into the room and put his arms around the back of Kid's shoulders, lending him his strength. It was all the two men could do for their friend at the moment. Jimmy hoped that Kid would cry until he was tired out, so they could put him to bed. He would need his rest if he expected to be there for Teresa for Lou's funeral. Once Kid was taken care of, Jimmy wanted to sit down with Buck and find out just what had happened when Lou died, then find Lou's sister to see how she was holding up. Maybe see Emma, Sam and Rachel after that. See anyone and do anything to keep from having to face his own grief over Lou's death.

Kid's body was slowly becoming heavier and Jimmy belatedly realized that Kid had stopped crying and was now asleep as he had hoped. With Buck's help, Jimmy got Kid into bed. Jimmy tenderly brushed the hair back from Kid's face, not concerned that Buck was still in the room. Of all the other riders, Buck had been the first to know that there was more to his and Kid's relationship than being friends.

"He blames himself," Jimmy softly said.

"I know. There was nothing that the doc could do for her."

"I want to hear about it, but not here. I don't want to risk waking' him up. He needs to get some rest."

"None of us could convince him to get any sleep. He refused to leave here."

Jimmy nodded, then carefully tucked the covers in around Kid's body. He got to his feet and headed for the door, pulling it almost closed once Buck had left the room. They headed downstairs to the kitchen and Jimmy sat down at the table while Buck poured coffee for them. Even though Jimmy wanted to hear what had happened, he knew that the telling would be difficult for Buck, so he didn't rush him. When Buck was ready to talk, he would talk. And to be truthful, Jimmy wasn't all that sure that he was ready to hear the details.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date originally published: July 5, 2000

Buck drew a shaky breath, then began. "Lou was so happy about having Kid's baby. So was he. You woulda thought he was the only man to ever have a wife with child. They were so excited and making all kinds of plans. Thinkin' up names, buying things even. We put on a new room on the house for Teresa, letting her have a room downstairs so the nursery could be upstairs near Kid and Lou. Teresa was real excited about moving in, and about having a baby around the house." Buck shrugged, "Hell, we were all excited."

"Kid said the baby came early," Jimmy prompted.

"Yeah," Buck said. There was a faraway look in his eyes as he remembered the events of that day. "There wasn't anything different that morning. We all got up and ate breakfast, then went on with our chores. It was around noon that Lou started to feel poorly. She went to rest but then called for Kid, screaming for him as she noticed that she was bleeding. I didn't wait for anyone to tell me that it was bad. The second I heard she was bleeding' I saddled up a horse and went for the doctor."

Buck took a few drinks of his coffee. "We had all joked about how big Lou was getting, and how like Kid it was to give her a big baby. The doctor said the baby was coming early because it was too big for Lou's body to handle. The delivery was hard. Very hard. The doctor didn't want Kid there, so I had to take him away. Keeping him away from their bedroom wasn't easy."

"Kid never liked being apart from Lou when she was sick or hurt," Jimmy said.

"No," Buck agreed. He could still hear Lou's screams as the baby was born. The ashen look on Kid's face matched his own fear that having the baby was tearing Lou up. They had both been around women giving birth and they didn't scream with quite the same amount of pain. But, Buck didn't think Jimmy needed to know about that. "The baby was born alive, but Lou was torn up pretty bad. She basically bled to death, Jimmy. There wasn't anything the doctor could do to stop it. Then the little girl, Mary Louise is what they named her, died a few hours after Lou. I don't think that Kid noticed that at the time, he was still at Lou's side when the baby died."

"He loved her so much," Jimmy said.

"Yes." Buck couldn't argue with that. "We had a rough time with him. He didn't want to leave Lou's side, but the undertaker needed to take her away and get her ready to be buried. He's been in bad shape, Jimmy. I'm glad you were able to get through to him. I knew you could."

"Yeah. Well, you mentioned earlier that we need to get a grave dug. I'm assuming that the baby is being buried with Lou?"

Buck nodded. "Both names will be on the tombstone. We're going to put her grave by Jedediah's."

Jimmy nodded. After the bloody attempt by Jedediah and his gang to steal from the Army, Jedediah's men had been buried in a common grave in the town cemetery. But Kid had insisted that Jed be buried at the station. No one could talk him out of that. No one tried. Jimmy certainly felt guilty enough about being the person who had killed Jed, he definitely wasn't going to tell Kid that he couldn't have his brother's grave nearby. The ironic thing was that even in death, Kid wouldn't reveal his last name. The only name on the tombstone was Jed, with birth and death dates and places. No more was put on there.

Buck got to his feet. "Come on."

Jimmy followed him to the barn where they got shovels, then to the small plot. There weren't many graves there -- mainly people who had befriended the riders only to die in Sweetwater. Jimmy's eyes swept over the tombstones, resting fondly on that of Ambrose Merryweather before coming to rest on the empty ground beside Jed's grave. 

"Let's get this over with," Buck said. "Teresa is with Emma and Sam today and I don't want her to see us diggin' Lou's grave."

The two men began to dig.

Hours later, the grave was finished and Jimmy and Buck had gone to wash up. They were toweling dry when they saw a buckboard approaching and Jimmy smiled as he recognized Emma and Sam. He vaguely remembered Teresa. She had been such a small girl the one and only time he had ever seen her, but she was obviously growing up. His smile faded as he wondered what she would do now that Lou was gone. Kid was the only family the little girl had left. Jimmy assumed the other children in the wagon were Emma and Sam's.

"James Butler Hickok, my but you are a sight for sore eyes." Emma enveloped him in a big hug. "It's such a shame that something like this had to happen to bring you back for a visit."

"I know. I should have been coming back more often, but other things just kept getting in the way. Hello, Sam."

The two men shook hands. "The important thing is that you're here, Jimmy," Sam said.

"You must be Teresa." Jimmy said to the young girl.

"She most certainly is. And these are our boys; Aaron and James." Emma proudly introduced her sons. The boys were all over Jimmy, asking him more questions than he could possibly answer. It was obvious that they had heard a lot about him.

"I smell something good, Emma," Buck said. He walked to the back of the wagon and peered inside. "Fried chicken. You brought dinner." Buck smiled at her as he lifted a covered platter out of the buckboard.

"I knew you men wouldn't think about cooking until it was too late, so I whipped up a few favorites. How's Kid doing?" Emma was suddenly serious.

"He's asleep," Jimmy said.

Emma nodded. "Good. He needed to rest. He also needs to eat, but I hate to wake him just for that."

"We'll make sure to keep some leftovers for him." Jimmy joined Buck in carrying food into the house. It wasn't much later when they were all seated around the table eating.

"I saw Rachel in town and she'll be out tonight. Amanda's coming in on the stage and Rachel wanted to bring her out here." Emma said as she passed beans to Jimmy.

"No word from Teaspoon?" Jimmy asked.

"It's hard to get mail in and out of Texas. If that's even where he's at. Last I heard, a lot of Texas troops were being moved up to Tennessee. Cody finally got word, but he can't get here," Sam said.

"I'll be happy when this war is over. Lou was the only thing that kept Kid from heading to Virginia. With her gone, I don't know what he'll do," Emma said.

"Excuse me." Jimmy stood. "The meal was real fine, Emma, as always. I want to check on Kid." 

"Let us know when he wakes up," Emma said. "I can fix him a plate then."

Jimmy nodded, then made his way back upstairs. He tried to be quiet as he opened the door and then closed it. Kid was sprawled diagonally across the bed, still sound asleep. Jimmy lowered himself into the chair that Kid had been sitting in earlier and simply watched Kid sleep. He couldn't keep his thoughts from going back over the good times they had spent together. Just the two of them, sneaking off to do things that felt so good, even though they both knew they would be in serious trouble if Teaspoon ever caught them messing around. Yet there had been times when being together in a risky place was something they couldn't get enough of. There had been many times when they had loved each other in the hayloft, being able to hear the voices of Teaspoon and the other riders outside. That had been so exciting and seemed to make their climaxes more intense.

Things began to cool off though, as Jimmy noticed Lou paying more attention to Kid, and Kid returning it. Jimmy had known that Kid loved her, but he had selfishly hoped that the two of them never got back together. He wanted Kid for himself. An old problem also cropped up then, the small attraction he and Lou had for each other. There were many times when Lou used his shoulder to cry on about Kid, and as he comforted her, Jimmy often found himself wondering what it would be like to kiss her. If it were a perfect world, then the three of them would be able to live together, joining as one each night. And maybe even in the day, too.

Jimmy could clearly remember the one time his dream came close to becoming a reality. He, Kid and Lou had been assigned to take Elias Mills, a condemned murderer, to be hanged. Not long after they had started out, Kid had been shot. With a bullet in his shoulder, Kid had no choice but to turn back, and Jimmy and Lou were left to Mills to Fort Laramie for his hanging.

All along the way, the old man kept at Jimmy, telling him that Lou was just perfect for him. He was even telling Lou the same thing. She tried to set him straight, let him know that her heart belonged to someone else, but he didn't listen. Mills's words must have worked because one night Jimmy found himself kissing Lou. And feeling so guilty about how much he liked it.

They came close to losing Mills to a vengeful ex-sheriff, but the timely arrival of Kid saved his life and theirs as well. They got to Fort Laramie, got Kid's shoulder patched up, and then watched the hanging. Jimmy couldn't help but notice that it was Kid who Lou clung to as they watched Mills die. It was too late to head back to Rock Creek, so they had rented rooms for the night. Or rather, they had rented one room. The place was packed for the hanging, so the three were forced to share a room. Normally, that wouldn't be a problem, except this room only had one bed. 

Jimmy smiled as he remembered the look on Lou's face as they entered the room. It came close to being priceless as she eyed the bed, then quickly looked for another one. She had been close to stammering when she turned around and Jimmy couldn't keep from chuckling at her discomfiture. It was a rare day when Lou couldn't manage to say what was on her mind.

"It ain't too bad," Kid said. He sat on the bed, took off his gun belt and boots, then laid down and closed his eyes. "A bed is a bed."

Jimmy and Lou exchanged worried glances. Neither one had noticed how pale Kid had become as the day wore on. Lou sat down on the edge of the bed and tenderly touched his brow, checking for a fever.

"I'm all right," Kid said, even though he kept his eyes closed. "I just have a headache, that's all."

"Well, I guess we can be quiet while you rest," Lou said.

"You can be quiet on the bed, can't you?" Kid asked as he patted the covers beside him.

"I...I suppose so." Lou pulled off her boots, then crawled over Kid's legs and curled up beside him. 

Jimmy eyed the pair enviously. Lou looked so content there at Kid's side. He scratched his chin, wondering if the saloon they passed on the way here was too crowded. He didn't feel up to handling any would-be heroes today.

"Jimmy?"

Kid's voice caught him off guard and Jimmy looked over to see Kid looking at him. "Yeah?"

"Get in bed. You need to rest, too." Kid smiled at him. "The bed is plenty big enough for all three of us."

Jimmy slowly grinned, then took off his gun belt. He sat in a chair to pull off his boots, then got in on the other side of the bed, snuggling close to Lou, who didn't seem to mind his presence. Was it possible that Kid had been having the same thoughts about the three of them?

"Lou told me about the kiss," Kid said. His voice was low and Jimmy couldn't tell if he sounded upset.

"Oh? So, are you going to hit me now?" Jimmy asked.

Lou giggled, but she rolled over to look at Jimmy. Her eyes were darker than usual and she reached out a hand to tenderly touch his cheek. "Kid told me about you and him."

Jimmy swallowed noisily as he took in that bit of information. Just how much had Kid told her? Everything? Just a few things? He could feel his cheeks getting warm and he mentally kicked himself for blushing. He was a grown man and well familiar with the ways of the world, women and men. So why did he feel self-conscious over Lou knowing he had been with Kid?

"Just what..." Jimmy cleared his throat, "Just what did Kid tell you?"

"I told her that we were lovers," Kid said. He propped himself up on one elbow. "And I told Lou that you loved her."

"Excuse me, but I am here, you know," Lou interjected. "Jimmy, it don't matter what you and Kid did with each other. Just like it don't matter what Kid and I used to do. What matters is what the three of us can do now."

Jimmy's brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand. You looked as if you were going to faint when you saw there was only one bed in here."

"That's cause I thought the bed was too small. I had thought we'd get a room with two beds and then be able to push them together to make a bed big enough for the three of us."

"Oh." Jimmy took a deep breath, then grinned. "I think this bed is plenty big enough, don't you, Kid?" It was slowly dawning on Jimmy that Kid and Lou had planned for this to happen. It had been Kid who had gone to the desk to rent the room. Jimmy wondered if this really was the last room available for the night? Not that he had any intention of getting his own room.

"More than big enough," Kid agreed.

"The door is locked, right?" Lou asked.

"Would it be such a bad thing if it wasn't?" Kid asked as he bent his head to nibble at the back of her neck.

"Ah, well, someone might get an eyeful," Lou said, her words ending in a moan as Jimmy began to kiss her face.

"Let them," Jimmy said. He then began to unbutton Lou's shirt, noting that Kid was busy with her pants. It didn't take long before they had her completely undressed. The two men took their time with Lou, kissing and nibbling her skin, lightly caressing her until she was breathing so quickly that Jimmy thought she would run out of breath. Lou's moans and cries of pleasure were getting to him and he knew he had to get undressed to do all that he wanted. Reluctantly he pulled away from Lou, but her dismay at losing him was replaced by a sigh as Kid turned her over so he could shower kisses down her body.

Jimmy's usually nimble fingers felt like clay as he watched Kid please Lou. Soon her cries filled the room as she climaxed, whispering Kid's name over and over. Jimmy nearly tore the buttons off his shirt in his haste to be the next man to please Lou. Naked, he climbed onto the bed, lowering his head and taking a pert nipple into his mouth. He gave her a minute or two of rest, then let his hand stray lower, finding her wet curls and lightly rubbing his fingers there. He could feel Lou's hands in his hair, holding him to her breast even as her hips arched up, wanting more. And Jimmy wanted that, too. He kissed his way up her chest and neck, then claimed her mouth. Lou's lips quickly parted and she hungrily sucked his tongue into her mouth. They fought for control and Jimmy finally conceded to her strong will. He smiled down at her, then looked over at Kid, whose eyes were dark with desire, just as Lou's were right now.

"May I?" Jimmy asked. 

Kid grinned. "I think you're askin' the wrong person."

Jimmy looked into Lou's brown eyes. "May I?" he asked her. "May I enter you?"

"Please?" Lou whispered.

Jimmy moved slowly and carefully to get into position between her legs. Lou was small and he didn't want to hurt her. It wasn't the same as when he was loving Kid. He never worried about crushing him the way he worried about crushing Lou under his weight. Ever so slowly, Jimmy slid into Lou, watching her face as he entered her. He had never thought he would actually get a chance to do this with Lou, and he was so grateful to his friends for making this happen. 

Lou was cradled against Kid's body, and Jimmy could see that Kid was putting his hands to good use, caressing Lou and Jimmy both. Urging the couple on as they danced on top of the bed. Lou met Jimmy thrust for thrust, telling him to go faster, deeper. And Jimmy obeyed her commands. Soon he found his own release, and his entire body shuddered as he emptied his seed into her. Jimmy could feel Kid's hand down there and before Jimmy could pull out, he heard Lou cry out as her own release was found, courtesy of Kid. The three of them exchanged naughty grins as Jimmy rolled over to his side of the bed. 

"Your turn, Kid," Jimmy said.

"Maybe he don't get a turn," Lou teasingly said.

"Oh?" Kid asked, his smile slightly wavering. "And why not?"

Lou's cheeks were quickly turning red and Jimmy wondered just what she had in mind. He never found out though, because a knock on the door kept her from replying. There was a mad scramble for clothing and since Jimmy was the first to get even halfway dressed, the other two hid on the floor between the bed and the window while Jimmy answered the door. It turned out to be a corporal from the Fort with an invitation from the Colonel to join him for dinner. Jimmy told the Corporal they would be there, then practically slammed the door in the young man's face, then locking it.

Kid and Lou got to their feet. "Dinner?" Lou asked.

"Yep. I'm sorry that you have to go as a rider. It would have been nice to take you out on the town tonight," Jimmy said.

"I had planned to spend the night inside," Lou pouted.

"Sorry," Jimmy said. He had hoped to get back to what they had been doing, but the moment had been shattered and they would need to get ready for dinner with the Colonel. As he dressed, Jimmy wondered what would happen after dinner.

As Jimmy watched Kid begin to toss and turn in the bed, he remembered that nothing else had happened that night. He had made sure that Kid and Lou had a chance to get back to the hotel before he did, and when he finally got into the room, they were fast asleep. Just as well, he had thought then. There had never been another time for just the three of them, or for him and Lou or him and Kid.

It was obvious that Kid was having a nightmare and Jimmy quickly crossed the small space between the chair and the bed, sitting on the edge and gathering Kid into his arms.

"It's all right, Kid. You're just having a bad dream." Jimmy could feel Kid's body tense up as he awoke.

"You mean Lou's not really dead?" 

It broke Jimmy's heart to hear the pain in Kid's voice, but he knew he had to tell him the truth. "She's really dead. I'm sorry."

"How am I supposed to live without her, Jimmy? I just can't." Kid broke down again, sobbing wildly as he clung to Jimmy. 

All Jimmy could do was sit there and softly stroke Kid's back, murmuring soft nothings to him. Jimmy knew there weren't any words that could take away Kid's pain and heartache. Just as he knew there weren't any words that could take away his own. It came as no surprise to Jimmy that he was now also crying.

The two men sat there in the bed, ignoring the growing darkness, grieving together. Grieving for a woman that one could never replace in either man's heart.

There was a soft tapping at the door and Jimmy hastily wiped his eyes and face. "Yeah?"

"It's Emma. Shall I bring something up for Kid to eat?"

Kid shook his head, but Jimmy answered yes. He waited until he heard Emma walk away before talking to Kid. "You need to eat, Kid. You've got a tough day ahead of you tomorrow and you need your strength."

Kid pulled away from Jimmy, his face tear stained and his eyes red and swollen. "There ain't enough strength in the world to get me through tomorrow, Jimmy."

"I'll be there for you, Kid. Let me be your strength."

They stared at each other, feeling the years melt away as they looked into each other's hearts. 

Finally, Kid nodded. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me, too," Jimmy said. "I wish to Hell that it wasn't for this. I'm so sorry I never came to visit. It just always seemed so awkward, after all that happened between us."

"Lou loved you, Jimmy," Kid said.

"She loved you more. The two of you were perfect together." What Jimmy really wanted to know was if Kid loved him. But he wasn't going to ask that right now, possibly never. Jimmy didn't think he could stand it if Kid's answer was no. The dream that Kid did love him was one of the main things that had kept him from sinking into despair while alone. There was no way that Jimmy was willing to give up that dream.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date originally published: July 14, 2000

Jimmy awoke slowly, his neck, shoulders and back achy from sleeping all night in the chair. His eyes immediately went to the bed, where he saw that Kid was still asleep. That was a good sign. There had been no more nightmares during the night, and Jimmy was grateful for that. If only his own sleep had been dream free, he thought.

Jimmy stood and stretched, then pulled back the curtains to take a look outside. He frowned as he saw a cloudy sky. Rain on the day of Lou's funeral would not be good. Not that he would have preferred a sunny day either. Hell, if Jimmy was going to waste time wishing, he might as well be wishing that Lou were alive and he was here to visit her and the baby. He blinked back tears at that thought, feeling guilty because he knew he wouldn't have come even to see the baby. He hadn't bothered to come visit at any other time.

"Jimmy? You're up early." Kid's voice was raspy from the crying he did the night before.

"I just woke up. That chair ain't the most comfortable bed. Still, I've slept on worse."

"You slept in here?" Kid frowned as he sat up. "You could have slept in the bed, Jimmy. I wouldn't have attacked you."

"I know. I just thought you needed your privacy, that's all." The truth was that Jimmy didn't trust himself not to reach out in the night and pull Kid close.

"Do you smell coffee?" Kid asked as he looked around for his clothes.

"Yeah. It's either Rachel or Amanda."

"Amanda's here?"

"She got here last night. Rachel brought her out and then decided to stay out here, too. Cody sent a wire with his condolences."

Kid nodded. "I know he'd be here if he could."

"That's true. Here." Jimmy handed a clean shirt to Kid, who slowly put it on.

"You know, I have no idea what arrangements were made for the funeral. It's today, right?"

"Yeah. Buck and I took care of digging their grave. Buck said that Lou and the baby would be buried together."

"Mary. Her name is...was, Mary. Mary Louise." Kid's voice trembled as he thought about his wife and daughter.

"It's a beautiful name, Kid."

Kid nodded. "She was a beautiful baby, even if she did come early. You could see already that she was gonna have blue eyes."

"And you would have spoiled her, just like you spoiled her mother."

Kid sat down on the edge of the bed and covered his face with his hands, his body shaking from the sobs he couldn't hold back.

Jimmy sat down beside Kid and gathered him in his arms. Once again Jimmy could feel his own tears falling and he didn't make any effort to stop crying. They both still needed to cry. Needed to get all the grieving out of their systems.

 

There had been a large turnout for Lou's funeral service. It had been held at the grave since the ranch was out from the town, but no one seemed to mind the lack of chairs. There was a lot of crying, but Jimmy noted that none of it came from Kid. That didn't mean that Kid wasn't feeling any more grief, he was just too busy holding on tightly to Teresa's hand and offering her what comfort he could. Afterward everyone gathered in and around the house. The women from town had brought out an abundance of food and there were only a few people who weren't eating. Someone had fixed a plate for Kid, but it had been set aside and promptly forgotten. Jimmy had seen it though and made a mental note to make sure Kid ate later. 

It was hours before the created "family" found themselves alone and the rain that had held off all day finally began to fall. The house felt a lot less crowded, but Jimmy still felt as if he were being suffocated. He headed out to the front porch for breath of fresh air and was surprised to see Kid sitting out there.

"I didn't see you leave," Jimmy said as he sat down in the swing beside Kid.

"I didn't go back in after the Henderson's left."

"Did you ever get anything to eat?"

Kid nodded. "Someone fixed me a plate."

Jimmy smiled wryly. He had known that would be Kid's answer. "I guess I asked that wrong. Did you ever eat?"

Kid shook his head. "Ain't hungry."

"You need to eat something."

"I need for Lou to be alive," Kid replied, his eyes seeking out the fresh grave through the growing darkness.

"I know. We all need that," Jimmy softly replied.

The door opened and Teresa stepped outside. "There you are," she said to Kid. She climbed up into his lap and he hugged her close.

"What's up buttercup?" he asked her.

Teresa looked as if she had something on her mind, but she merely shrugged. She laid her head against Kid's shoulder and closed her eyes.

"So, how long are you going to be staying?" Kid asked Jimmy.

"I don't know. Since I'm a civilian I don't have to get back to the army at any certain time. I can stay for as long as you need me," Jimmy replied.

Teresa sat up without warning, tears in her eyes as she looked at Kid.

"What?" he asked, his eyes worried.

"Are you going to go away, too?" she asked, her voice shaky with unshed tears.

"No, honey. I'm not going to leave you. Why would you think that I would go away?" Kid hugged her tight.

"Last night at supper they was saying that you might go to Virginia to fight in the war. I don't want you to die, too, Kid. We're all we got now." Teresa was now sobbing.

Jimmy looked down at his feet. He remembered that conversation and how the adults had forgotten that Teresa was hearing all of that. The poor child must have been frantic all night thinking that she was going to be left behind once again. First her brother ran out on her, then Lou died. The idea of losing the only relative she had left must have been very frightening for her.

"Shh. Don't cry. I'm not going anywhere. This is our home, buttercup. Mine, yours and Buck's. I ain't going nowhere. I promise."

Teresa sniffled. "Cross your heart?"

Kid drew an invisible x over his heart. "Cross my heart."

"And Buck isn't going anywhere either?"

"Not that I know about. You're stuck with us, buttercup. Think you can handle it?"

Teresa wiped her eyes on her sleeve then nodded. "I can take care of the two of you real good. You won't have to worry, Kid."

Kid managed a smile for his sister-in-law. "I wasn't worrying none, Teresa. I always knew I could count on you."

Jimmy hid a grin as he listened to the conversation. Kid always knew the right things to say to children. It had been his own wife that he had always gotten tongue-tied with. Jimmy had lost count of the number of times Kid had found himself in the middle of a conversation with Lou that just wasn't going the way he had planned. Hell, it was difficult to think straight around Lou, Jimmy mused.

"You should get on inside before Emma worries about you." Kid helped Teresa get to her feet. 

Teresa threw her arms around Kid's neck, hugging him hard. "I love you, Kid."

"I love you, too, Teresa. Now, scoot."

The two men watched Teresa go back inside.

"I'm sorry about that," Jimmy said. "We were talking about what you might do and we didn't think about the fact that she was there. We would never do anything to make her worry."

"I know. I wish...never mind. It's not important. What's important is that I wasn't lying to her. I'm not going anywhere, no matter how much I wish I could. I promised Lou a long time ago that I would take care of Teresa and I love the girl like she's my own sister. I just wish that Jeremiah had stayed around."

"It was his loss, Kid."

Kid nodded. "Yeah, it was. So, where are you sleeping tonight?"

"Rachel and Amanda have commandeered the bunk house, where they'll watch over Emma and Sam's boys. Emma and Sam are staying in Buck's bedroom and Buck is sleeping on his sofa. That leaves your sofa for me."

"It's probably better than the chair," Kid said.

"It can't be worse, that's for sure. Why were you asking?"

"I just didn't know what kind of arrangements had been made. Usually when we had a lot of company, Lou would make sure that everyone had a place to stay. Why are Emma and Sam staying? They live in Sweetwater."

"They didn't want to ride home in the rain."

Kid nodded. "And when does Amanda leave?"

"In a day or two. Why? Tired of the company so soon?"

Kid shook his head. "No. Just trying to figure out how long it will be until I'm alone."

"As you pointed out to Teresa, you aren't alone here, Kid. Buck is here and so is Teresa. Rachel, Emma and Sam live in Sweetwater. I'm not in a rush to leave."

"But you will leave eventually. You won't stay, will you?"

Jimmy shook his head. "No. I won't stay here. I can't."

"Why? You always used to say that you couldn't stay because of Lou."

"I can't stay because of you." Jimmy looked away, not wanting to see the look on Kid's face as he heard that admission.

"Because of me? I don't understand."

Jimmy looked back at him, seeing that Kid did indeed look confused. "I love you. If I can't be with you, then I don't want to be here. It's too difficult for me, Kid."

Kid shook his head. "I love you, too, Jimmy. So stay."

"I can't. I don't think we're talking 'bout the same kind of love. I love you the same way a man loves a woman. You love me the way a brother loves his brother."

"I never wanted to do this with my brother," Kid said moments before his lips met Jimmy's in a passionate kiss.

Jimmy put his arms around Kid as he intensified their kiss. He had wanted this for so long, but it just wasn't right. Lou was barely buried and Jimmy knew that Kid was merely reacting to the pain of his loss, seeking out comfort. There was also the fact that Jimmy felt guilty that he finally had a chance to be with Kid the way we wanted, but that chance had only come about because Lou was dead. Such a bittersweet victory, he thought.

With great reluctance Jimmy broke off the kiss, holding Kid at arm's length. "I can't."

Kid's sad eyes searched his face and Jimmy forced himself to look Kid straight on. "Kid, this isn't right."

"You never said that when we danced before, Jimmy."

"That was before." Jimmy got to his feet and headed off the porch.

"Where are you going?" Kid called out to him.

"I need to think and I can't do that when I'm around you. I'll be in Sweetwater if anyone needs me."

Kid jumped the steps and caught up to Jimmy, grabbing him by the arm to stop him. "I need you."

Jimmy pulled free, but he wouldn't look at Kid. "It can't happen again, Kid. No matter how much you or I want it to happen, it just can't."

Jimmy headed for the barn again and this time Kid didn't try to stop him. As Jimmy rode off into the twilight he could feel Kid's eyes upon his back and he felt guilty over the fact that Kid was still standing out in the rain. But, Jimmy knew he had to get away before he changed his mind about being with Kid. Jimmy was sure that someone would make Kid go into the house and take care of him. Buck most likely, or Emma and Rachel. There were plenty of people there who cared about him. Kid didn't need to be wasting his energy or love on someone like him, Jimmy thought. He was better off grieving over his wife and then getting on with his life. Find a woman to love and get married again. Be happy. One of them should get the chance to be happy again and Jimmy knew it wouldn't be him, so it might as well be Kid.

 

It was nearly six hours later when Jimmy rode back from town. He had gotten his fill at the saloon and had even managed to get one of the saloon girls upstairs. Not that it did him any good. Every time he tried to have sex with her he ended up seeing Kid's blue eyes and remembering the way Kid's body felt under his own. Jimmy finally gave up, using the excuse that he had drunk too much to do anything. After that he decided to head back to the ranch.

There were a few lights still on. One in the bunkhouse turned down low. Probably there for the children to have some light if they needed to get up in the night. One light burning bright in Buck's front room. A light in the upstairs window of Kid's house. Kid and Lou's room. Kid's room now. A dim light shining through the front window of Kid's house.

Jimmy was unsaddling his horse when he suddenly felt that someone was behind him. He swung around, guns drawn, but it was only Kid. It was obvious that Kid had not been in bed, he was still dressed and his hair and clothes were damp.

"Sorry," Jimmy mumbled. He re-holstered his guns, then returned to taking care of his horse.

"I was getting worried about you." Kid said.

"You should know that I can find my way back from town. I made the trip often enough when we were express riders."

"Not so often drunk though."

Jimmy laughed. "No. Not so often drunk." He shook out the blanket, then spread it over a railing to air out.

"Teresa's staying in the bunkhouse." Kid said. "You and me will be the only people in the house tonight."

"I was thinking of bedding down in here," Jimmy replied.

"So this is it, then?" Kid's voice was thick with emotion. "I lose Lou and that means I lose you, too? I can't handle that, Jimmy. Please don't leave me alone."

"You aren't alone, Kid. You have..."

"Dammitt, Jimmy, I don't love them the way I love you! I need you tonight and you're turning me away. Why? What is so different now?"

"Lou's dead, Kid. That's what's so different now."

"Lou would want us to be a comfort to each other, Jimmy. She knew how things were between us."

"Did she, Kid? Did she really understand that I would have gladly run off with you to a place, any place where we could always be with each other? Did you ever tell her that? Did you ever feel that way about me?" Jimmy saw the surprised look on Kid's face and he shook his head. "I didn't think so. I've always wanted you, Kid. Nothing has changed that. But over time I began to have feelings for Lou as well, and her being dead hasn't changed that either. I can't take you in her bed. I won't do that to her memory."

There was a long silence as they looked at each other. Finally, Kid took a steadying breath. "Jimmy, the last memories I have of that bed, aside from sleeping in it last night, are of Lou dying in it. Do you think I want to go to bed each night with that in my mind? Give me something else, something special, to replace that memory, Jimmy. Please?"

Jimmy blinked back tears, but he still shook his head. He turned around to get his bedroll.

"You can sleep on the sofa, Jimmy. I won't bother you. I promise. You've made it plain that you don't want to be with me, so I'll leave you be." Kid walked away.

Jimmy leaned forward, resting his head against a post. This was too complicated. Way too complicated. He wanted Kid so much, but his conscience was getting in the way. And he didn't know why. Kid was right, Lou had known about them. And Jimmy could see Kid's point about wanting a new memory to replace the horrible one he had of Lou's death. Jimmy wanted so much to go into the house and crush Kid to his chest. Kiss away his tears and then use his mouth and hands to arouse him. Jimmy wanted to feel Kid's mouth on his skin and smell the unique scent of him as they cuddled together after becoming one. He wanted all of that so much that he was hard just thinking about it. Was he wrong to deny himself and Kid this release that they both needed?

"If you don't go inside to him, I will."

Jimmy jumped at the sound of Buck's voice, knocking his head into the post.

"Dammitt, Buck. You know better than to sneak up on a person." Jimmy said as he rubbed his forehead.

"I know that you're being a fool, Jimmy."

Jimmy frowned at Buck's words. "Were you listening in on us?"

Buck nodded. "I heard you ride in and I knew that Kid had been waiting out on his porch for you to get back. I wanted to see what you were going to do."

"I'm going to get some sleep, that's what I'm going to do." Jimmy threw his bedroll to the ground.

"Out here?"

"Yeah. As if it's any of your concern where I sleep," Jimmy replied.

"Good. Then you won't hear it when Kid calls out my name as he comes, will you?"

Buck started to turn away but was brought up short when Jimmy grabbed him by his shirt and shoved him back against the wall. 

"Stay away from him, Buck. He doesn't need this right now."

"That's where you're wrong, Jimmy. He does need this right now. He needs to be with someone he loves and cares about. He needs to be with someone who loves him. While it's true that I only meet one of those requirements, I think he won't mind. And I know I sure as Hell won't mind it either. If you won't go to him and give him the love and comfort he needs and deserves, then I will. It's that simple."

Jimmy let go of Buck and walked back to his bedroll, muttering under his breath. How dare Buck think about Kid like that? It was true that Buck had known about him and Kid messing around years ago, but Buck had always kept their secret. He certainly had never said anything about feeling the same way about Kid. So why bring it up now?

Jealousy surged through Jimmy's veins as he thought about Buck loving Kid. He couldn't allow that to happen. He would convince Buck to stay away. 

Jimmy turned to say something to the Kiowa brave, but Buck was gone. Jimmy rushed out of the barn and saw that Buck was almost to Kid's house. Jimmy ran, but he didn't catch up to him until Buck had reached the porch.

"Buck, no."

Buck looked at Jimmy, his dark eyes unreadable even though the clouds had parted a the light from the moon was illuminating everything. "Are you going inside, Jimmy?"

Jimmy looked at the door and he squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted this. He really did. So why was he making it so difficult? 

"It's not wrong, Jimmy," Buck softly said. "He loves you and needs you now. Go and be with him. You already told him earlier that you can't stay here with him, so give him this much."

Jimmy silently brushed past Buck and opened the door, quickly stepping into the house before he changed his mind again. He extinguished the lamp in the front room, then carefully made his way up the steps. He hesitated briefly outside of the door to Kid's room, then he opened it and walked in.

Kid was seated in the chair, but he got to his feet when he saw that Jimmy was there.

"Jimmy?" 

"Can I change my mind?" Jimmy asked, uncertain as to Kid's mood. It would be just like Kid to tell him to get out of his house now. Jimmy prayed that he wouldn't do that. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date originally published: July 15, 2000

A silence grew between the men, a silence that made Jimmy feel uneasy. Was Kid going to say no? He couldn't deny him now, not after all Jimmy had gone through to see that this is what he really wanted.

Still silent, Kid finally stepped toward Jimmy, crossing the small distance between them and wrapping his arms around him. Kid's lips were soft on Jimmy's face as he began to kiss him and Jimmy felt the last of his control slip away as his hands feverishly worked to undress Kid.

As Jimmy's hands roved over hot flesh, he could feel Kid's hands on his body and a part of his mind noted that he was now stripped to the waist as well. Kid had been busy. They had to step away from each other long enough to remove the rest of their clothes and then they were both naked and very aroused for and from each other.

Jimmy slowly grinned as his eyes took in their fill of Kid. "You still haven't answered my question, Kid. Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"To tell you the truth, Jimmy, I hadn't given much thought to sleeping tonight."

"I like the way you think, Kid." 

This time it was Jimmy who closed the space between them as he embraced Kid and pushed him to the bed. Jimmy felt as if he were a madman as he couldn't get enough of Kid's body. He would no sooner begin to kiss or caress a tender spot when he felt the need to kiss somewhere else. It had been so long since he had Kid laying before him like this and he felt greedy. Jimmy wanted all of Kid and he wanted him all at once. As Jimmy licked his way down Kid's throat toward his belly, he could hear Kid's moans. Every time Kid said "Jimmy" in a strangled voice, it would send shivers down Jimmy's body and his own penis would tingle with anticipation of what was still to come.

Jimmy's mouth closed over Kid's erection and Jimmy's mind became centered on pleasing Kid, bringing him release this way. As Kid bucked his hips upward, seeking more of Jimmy's mouth, Jimmy was able to wet a finger and slowly slide it across Kid's opening, making the man shiver. It had always been a rush of power for Jimmy to see how easy it was for him to control Kid's body and the passage of years had not diminished that feeling. Jimmy wanted nothing more than to lazily play with Kid in much the same manner that Kid had tormented him the first time they had ever been together. But, Jimmy's own desire was taking precedence at the moment. He wanted and needed to be inside Kid, but he still wanted Kid to gain relief. Jimmy tightened his lips around the velvety smooth penis in his mouth and within minutes had Kid crying out his name and clutching the bed covers as he came.

Jimmy gazed lovingly at Kid's face, taking in the flushed skin, swollen lips and closed eyes. Kid was panting and Jimmy could see the veins in Kid's neck rapidly throbbing in the aftermath of release. As Jimmy watched, Kid slowly opened his eyes and grinned at him.

"Thank you," Kid softly said.

"No, thank you," Jimmy said. Then he realized that the next part would be much easier for them both if he had something to use as a lubricant. "Got any grease around here?"

"Kitchen. Lou keeps...there's a can on the shelf to the right of the sink." 

"I'll be right back." Jimmy hurried out of the room and downstairs, cursing every time he bumped into a piece of furniture. But there was no time to light a lamp. He found the can and hurried upstairs, sure that he managed to hit the same furniture on the way back that he had run into on the way down. He would certainly be bruised come morning.

Jimmy had to pause when he entered the bedroom and saw that Kid was now on his stomach, ready and waiting for him.

Kid turned his head to look over his shoulder at Jimmy. "Well? Do you plan to take me or not?"

"I plan on it." Jimmy forced himself to slowly walk to the bed. Take your time, he told himself. Don't let Kid think that he's the only person you've been able to think about for years. Don't give him that power over you.

Jimmy dipped his fingers into the can and slowly coated his penis. Kid's body was shaking and Jimmy had a feeling that it wasn't from passion or being cold. Kid was laughing at him.

"And just what is so funny right now?"

"You're going to smell like bacon in the morning," Kid snickered.

"Oh yeah?" Jimmy scooped a good amount of grease onto his fingers and quickly rubbed it over Kid. "So are you."

"That's cold," Kid exclaimed, even as his hips wriggled. A low moan then reached Jimmy's ears, mainly due to the fact that Jimmy was putting his fingers to good use getting Kid stretched for him. Others quickly followed that moan until Jimmy was sure that he wouldn't hurt Kid as he entered the tightness of his body.

Positioning himself between Kid's legs, Jimmy slowly pushed inside, the immediate heat and tightness nearly making him lose control right then. Taking deep breaths to steady himself, Jimmy grabbed Kid's hips, holding him in place. One wrong -- or right, as the case may be -- move on Kid's part would end this right here and now.

"You okay?" Kid anxiously asked.

"I'm fine. Give me a second," Jimmy replied.

Kid nodded and Jimmy continued to breathe deeply. Finally he felt that he was in control once more and he continued to push inward until he was completely inside of Kid. God! It had been ages since he had felt this. He had missed Kid so much and Jimmy found himself near tears as he relished the feelings. As he began to thrust and Kid joined with him, control slipped away from them both. Jimmy thrust fast and hard and neither one of them noticed the creaking of the bed or the thumping of the headboard against the wall because of the violence of their movements. 

"Yes, Jimmy! Harder!" Kid cried out. Jimmy did his best to accommodate Kid's request, going faster and deeper than he had ever gone before until his vision flooded with red and all he could hear was a roaring in his ears. Jimmy's body suddenly stiffened and he called out Kid's name as he emptied his seed into his lover over and over. Finally spent, Jimmy collapsed against Kid's back, thinking that if he was dying then he couldn't think of a better place or way to die. His heartbeat gradually slowed and Jimmy had enough strength to move. Rolling to the side, he pulled Kid close and they kissed passionately, thanking each other for the precious gifts they had exchanged.

"I still have plans for more tonight," Kid said as he lightly rubbed his hand over Jimmy's back.

"So do I. But I think we can take the time to talk, can't we?"

"I don't remember you bein' much of a talker, Jimmy. You usually fell asleep pretty quickly."

"Only when it was night. And I want to talk now. I want to tell you how much this means to me. How much you mean to me, Kid. I'll always love you."

Their eyes met and Jimmy could see unshed tears in Kid's. He could feel tears in his own, but he didn't care. It was important that Kid know his feelings, especially since he didn't know when he would ever see Kid again.

"I know. I'll always love you, too, James Butler Hickok."

They kissed again and then Kid laid his head on Jimmy's chest. "Stay."

"I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. I know I ain't Army, but I promised to scout for them and I aim to keep that promise."

"I wish the war was over." Kid's breath was soft against Jimmy's chest, almost tickling.

"Me, too. Maybe when it is all over I'll come back here."

They were both silent after that, each one knowing that Jimmy wouldn't return to Sweetwater when the war ended. He would find another excuse to stay away.

"You won't be alone, Kid. Buck cares a lot about you."

"I know."

"Give him a chance and you just might find yourself falling in love with him. That is, if that's what you want for your future."

"I ain't never gonna get another woman pregnant, Jimmy. I killed Lou with my baby and I refuse to do that to someone else. The only way to make sure that never happens is to stay away from women."

"You can't think like that, Kid. It wasn't your fault. From what I remember of Lou's father, he was a big man. Things happen that are beyond our control."

"Well, I can control who I sleep with," Kid said. The determination in his voice let Jimmy know that Kid was serious about this. The only thing Jimmy could do was hope that one day Kid would change his mind. It was Jimmy's opinion that Kid would make a great daddy. The way Kid handled Teresa spoke volumes about his potential as a parent. But, if Kid was serious, then he couldn't do worse than to be with Buck, and it was plain that Buck loved Kid. Jimmy then wondered if Buck and Kid had ever been together? If so then it probably happened back when they were all riders, back before Kid and Lou got married. Jimmy felt another jolt of jealousy at the thought that Buck might have been with Kid first. Kid had never revealed to Jimmy how he knew to do the things he did so well. All he would say is that he had been with men before. 

Men. Plural, not a single man. That had bothered Jimmy back then and it bothered Jimmy now. Not that he had a better past. He had been with more than one man in his life. Still, he had wanted to be the Kid's one and only, just as Lou was the only woman Kid had ever taken to bed. Jimmy sighed.

"What's wrong?" Kid tilted his head back to look at Jimmy, his blue eyes dark with desire once more.

"Nothing." Jimmy ran a hand softly over Kid's hip and up his side. "I was thinking it was time to start wasting the night away."

"I like the way you think, Jimmy," Kid said as he lowered his head to Jimmy's chest, seeking out something to suck.

Jimmy sighed again, but this time with pleasure and not sadness. He couldn't think of a better way to spend the night.

 

It was a little over a week later when Jimmy decided to leave. Kid was in town picking up Teresa from school and getting supplies. Jimmy had just finished saddling his horse when he saw Buck walking toward him.

"You're leaving without saying goodbye?" Buck asked.

"I figured it would be easier this way," Jimmy replied.

"Easier on you or Kid?"

"Both. He knows I can't stay." Jimmy mounted the horse and smiled down at Buck.

"Take care of him, Buck."

"I will. Anything you want me to tell him?"

Jimmy shook his head. "Nope. I left him a letter." Jimmy had spent nearly all day on that letter, telling Kid how much he loved him. Telling Kid goodbye. Jimmy had placed it on Kid's pillow. He knew that Kid would read it the minute he saw it there and Jimmy could only hope that the nights they had spent in that bed were enough to leave only good memories for Kid.

"Take care, Buck."

"I will. Ride safe, Jimmy," Buck replied.

Jimmy smiled at the familiar words as he spurred his horse forward. He stopped by the small cemetery and took off his hat as he looked at Lou's headstone. It had been installed just the day before and was a final reminder that she was gone.

"I know that you loved Kid with all of your heart, but I also know you loved me. And I loved you back, Lou. I just couldn't love you the same way that Kid did. Maybe if I could have, then you and I would have been together. I don't know. I know I love Kid deeply. More deeply than a man should love another man. That scares me. I guess that's part of the reason I can't stay. It all comes so easy to Kid, you know? He loves a person and that's it. Buck's the same way. I know you want him happy, but I can't stay here with him, so maybe he can be happy with Buck. Watch over him, lady. Keep him safe."

Jimmy put his hat back on, then he headed away at a gallop, never looking back at the house where he had once more found love and contentment. With tears streaming down his face, he headed away from all he held dear, knowing that he would never find anything or anyone to take the place of Kid in his heart and soul.


End file.
